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Poems

A Trash Panda’s Humble Plea

I am the mighty Trash Panda!
Look upon me and despair!
While your human bodies suffer
I dumpster dive without a care
The Cornucopia overfloweth…
Ambrosia!
Nectar of the Gods!
Moo Goo Gai Pan
Beef Lo Mein
Shrimp Alfredo
Falls like rain!
From your garbage can I take
Donut holes and chocolate cake
Breaded fish sticks
Sloppy Joes
Bagel bites
Old Ho Hos
Bacon grease fried collard greens
Licorice flavored jelly beans
A rancid beer soaked Coney dog
Mustard covered peanut log
Chicken nuggets
Week old chili
Secret sauce
Dilly! Dilly!

All those things you throw away
when your heartburn makes you pay
I lap in luxury
in the dark
Your doggies yappin’
Bark! Bark! Bark!
You’re locked inside your bathroom cell
Liquid fire from your arse
Too much bloody Taco Bell
Your hemorrhoids now a fiery hell!!!
But as for me…
All is well

Oyez! Let me have the floor!
Let this Ringtail gripe and grieve
You humans built a paradise
AND ALL THE SUDDEN… WANT TO LEAVE?!?
The Corporation Gods of Babel
Engineered your Manna well
Soy and corn
and Xantham Gum
Riboflavin
Mentholum
Vita-min-C
MSG
All those letters…
A through Z
Ge-net-i-cal-ly altered crops
Triple gene spliced barley hops
Agent Orange
DDT
Monsanto Roundup
2,4-D
Pesticides sprayed on your soil
Tuna packed in soybean oil
Carrageenan
Red Dye 3
Burn WHOLEWHEAT in effigy!
Chemist Labs have set you free

Now, all the sudden? you’re not grateful?
Suddenly, you take a stand?
On and on, you bitch and moan
Complaining in that haughty tone…
“We should think about our future,
Let’s all go back to the land!”
“Organic Food
Lettuce wrap
No white sugar
Just, Blackstrap
Let’s buy local,
on the map,
Grade C Amber,
Maple sap!
CORPORATIONS… SELL US CRAP!”

WHOA! there, Nellie! Stop, now… HALT!
The Devil prob’ly, is at fault
Now, listen to my plea, Mankind
Did you all just lose your mind?
Let this Raccoon set you straight
This “health fad” thing’s… not so great
I know it hurts to die of cancer
Sorry, Granddad’s mind is gone
So sad, that Sis’s liver failed
                  but…
PUT YOUR BIG BOY PANTIES ON!
Wipe your tears, and trudge along

It’s true! the human soul’s immortal
Hell or Heaven… for to win
Processed foods cause untold misery
And gluttony’s a mortal sin
But Dammit, man! Don’t be so selfish!
Build that Food-Pharm-Factory
We don’t want no Wholegrain Bullshit…
Let us have our MSG!!!

Loe, this onely haue I found, that God hath made man vpright: but they haue sought out many inuentions.

Ecclesiastes 7:29 (Holy Bible 1611)